Title: Who
Subtext: Play the victor.
Author:
Date: 27 Jul 18 (Friday in the PM)
Copyright:
Time: 1 minute
Replies: 9
Revisions: 10
Publicity: Workshop
Statuses:

“Supposed to rain later.”

“It’s been dry, on average.”

“Those clouds don’t bode well.”

“But that storm last week was a doozy.”

“Never seen a wind like that.”

“The sunset was gorgeous.”

“Hot even for this time of year.”

“That front is still spinning.”

“I heard it’s going to cool down.”

“Maybe by the end of the week, signs of autumn.”

“Should be vibrant.”

“If the pattern holds, expect a late but lingering winter.”

“Shorter shoulders, and the seasons have been pushed out.”

“We had no spring last year.”

“Summer’s always good, though.”

“The best.”

“Moon tide.”

“New moon low.”

“Dark as all hell.”

“Phosphorescence in the shallows.”

“Truth wins.”

*          *          *

All I remember of Victor is green, dark, white ghetto, running in the house, being upstairs where and when I shouldn’t have been, and going down to the corner for Big League Chew. Humidity crowded my skin.

I hope he found a woman who looks good in a dress, but somehow transcended that phase of life when the woman gets fatter and the man gets skinnier. Good girls don’t eat. Anyone who’s been with a woman who knows how to fuck but not how to love — nature where there was no nurture — knows what I mean. In defiance of some exponentially intangible law of physics mine somehow managed to beat me over the head with a rule she herself never once upheld. Still I’d tap on the glass of her soul, but get nothing, and would eventually see the glass for what it was — sand, born of rock, and more rock on the inside of rock.

Revisions

Elk » Authorship
Elk » 10:00 AM 07 Aug 18
Elk » 12:38 PM 04 Aug 18
Elk » 8:48 AM 04 Aug 18
Elk » 12:14 AM 28 Jul 18
Elk » 7:05 PM 27 Jul 18
Elk » 6:57 PM 27 Jul 18
Elk » 6:46 PM 27 Jul 18
Elk » 6:42 PM 27 Jul 18
Elk » 6:37 PM 27 Jul 18

The Thread (9)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. I’m going with RL no. 2 (“cut the last line”, renumbered to 2 where “keep going” has been definitively set to no. 1, acknowledging potential inconsistencies in this regard, and setting them straight). At any rate, check the revision.

  2. Actually I need some form of the last line: it’s important to life; it’s central to understanding (patience and acceptance); and it makes the subtext work. I’ve reduced it to its minimum.

  3. At first this also read like an @rabbit travelouge. Then it banked softly into Elkian moralism. The bend was gradual, but lands hard. Your four letter wording, almost shocking coming from you, but well placed. I thought the judgment of stone beneath stone felt shut off where genuine introspection had preceeded. Perhaps an acknowledgement of that would bring the piece back into the expansivity of the first half. I would still cut “Truth wins.” Feels like a capstone on a completed vignette.

  4. Moved “truth wins” to the title, and changed the subtext to “Victor” from “victory”, which more directly points to the piece and works doubly just the same.

  5. I liked Who. This sentiment feels like a betrayal of your searching.

  6. That individual has been cited to me more often than Shakespeare and Twain combined.

  7. Went back to Who and moved “truth wins” to the end of the dialogue, which I think needs attention to perfection.

  8. Was hoping it’d be apparent, but the convo runs through the seasons with rudimentary weather statements, and lands at a meditative beauty. I want it done better.

    It’s a past convo between the narrator and Victor.

  9. “Elkian Morality” — at minimum a thing, maybe a channel.

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