Title: Wave
Subtext: Dissecting the delivery.
Author:
Date: 25 Nov 15 (Wednesday in the PM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 12
Revisions: 10
Publicity: Workshop
Downfeed:

It ricochets, up and down, from flat black floor to shinny pressed ceiling, growing with nothing to swallow it. It bends a little more after each return. Floor, ceiling; floor, ceiling; floor, ceiling. Bend, bend, bend. Like a tennis match.

The arc is so steep now that it does not step, but leaps, shedding tiny ripples on its path that in turn grow and follow, like lemmings.

At last it hits me. Go away, it vibrates. The lemmings cascade in kind, way… way…… way………

Revisions

Fox » Authorship
Fox » 5:42 PM 29 Dec 15
Fox » 5:16 PM 26 Nov 15
Fox » 11:37 AM 26 Nov 15
Rooster » 4:51 AM 26 Nov 15
Fox » 10:17 PM 25 Nov 15
Fox » 10:13 PM 25 Nov 15
Fox » 7:00 PM 25 Nov 15

The Thread (12)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. There is a sharp sense of sound and rhythm on the page. I like this as verse and I would consider playing with the line breaks, using them like punctuation in prose.

  2. Some amendments made, mostly for style, but some commas too. Check for preference. My immediate reaction was similar to Horse’s — this feels more like verse. But the verse/vignette splice seems a right fit.

  3. Didn’t think it verse until I read it aloud, which is why I split the labels in a subsoquent edit. Not partial to the form, but the beat was undeniable once given voice. Going back to the growing ellipses at the end as they were intentional and speak more to the movement, as was the comma placement before the lemmings comparison.

  4. One of my working definitions of verse versus prose (just one, not exclusive, and something like an adjustable wrench on a utility belt) is that verse tells the reader what to think less than prose does – i.e. I’m more ready to call something verse when I think the writer seems to be intentionally leaving more room than not. It’s about space between notions and the disposal of airtight logic. I’m more likely to call something prose when the writer seems to be directing the reader to a narrow notion – a pointed place.

    This piece felt like there was more room than not. In fact, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I superimposed my own context of light and sound bouncing around a closed space (not an open roomy space, which is ironic given the verse-like nature of the piece, and also a closed space that is oxymoronically called a “room”) and I felt like that did something for me.

  5. Reminds me of that vertical moment when the tape delay becomes a constant bubbling wash.

  6. Should “arch” be “arc”?

    I like the piece, though I am also at a loss as to what it’s about. Light? A racket ball? The tootsie-roll center of a tootsie-pop?

  7. This is a toughy, Bear. Look to the tags for some clues. It’s definitely not made apparent, but it’s possible to get close.

  8. Yeah, I get it, in part. Sound.

    But why fear and kids? Is “Go away” what’s being yelled?

  9. It’s the perspective of a kid with a particular sensitivity.

  10. Can you elaborate?

  11. Told by @fox that it’s an account of an autistic experience. An autism tag would go a long way here. I’ll add.

  12. I see. A vivid depiction.

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