Title: Vostok 1
Subtext: Don't press the red button.
Author:
Date: 02 Feb 18 (Friday in the PM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 6
Revisions: 7
Publicity: Workshop
Downfeed:

It had been several minutes since he’d shaken like a peanut inside its shell, thrust up from the circus floor by a massive uncoiling trunk. The pandemonium of life below seemed all but a dream or nightmare — which depended on the outcome, or on the feeling he had.

Gagarin couldn’t shake that feeling. He reached for the black button (not the red one) and expressed himself to mission control, pausing in the middle of his transmission.

“The feeling that what,” one asked coolly in response to his uncharacteristically vulnerable and choppy communication.

“The feeling that we’ve created this thing we don’t really know how to use.”

Revisions

Horse » February 9, 2018 @ 11:35:08 [Current Revision]
Elk » February 9, 2018 @ 11:35:08
Bear » February 4, 2018 @ 05:13:14
Horse » February 2, 2018 @ 15:42:38
Horse » February 2, 2018 @ 15:40:06

The Thread (6)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. Love the first line. The peanut in the shell bit immediately makes me think of when I’ve shaken a peanut and can feel those little things dully bumping around inside. And the trunk part really gets at the power and force behind launching something. Plus all the people below — the spectators — who are suddenly so far away and yet still watching and waiting to see something incredible happen (or horrendous).

  2. Nice work — historical fiction of sorts. Love this kind of thing. Makes us all enjoy learning.

    The whole circus thing is great. It took me a minute to realize we were in a metaphor and not the clasp of an articulated elephant’s trunk.

    I’m going to edit for crispness — see revisions.

  3. This Gagarin – I like this guy.

  4. There were some admittedly awkward structures before the latest version, but I read them in a way that worked. The benefit of an in-person workshop would be read-alouds where you can perform the “awk” sturctures.

  5. I’ll prob never be ok with opening a sentence with for in its conjunctive construction.

  6. I know what you mean. It’s nails on chalkboard. But there is a time and place. For, it’s the voice of a tale landing on child’s ears.

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