Todd picked himself up from the mud and wiped clean his eyes. He scanned the horizon and saw little but molten rock and flaming trees. He wiped each length of his sword, the trusty Super Space Slicer 9000, never would it dull and never could it break, and freed the shining silvery alloy from its casing of blood-soiled earth. Few things were left alive in this realm, the living having perished over the deteriorating centuries, the inanimate broken and twisted and changed in nature and form. The Sugar Wars delivered exactly what was promised by the very first cave drawings, television programming, and other media onwards through time.
And now it was the Really Dark Time. Every star in every galaxy had been inhaled by the relentless Dr. Strangesnork’s Vacuum of Evil. It was the ultimate vacuum in The Universe, Incorporated, a machine built deep beneath the very foundations of The Universe’s World Headquarters, and no one knows its current whereabouts, though it is presumed switched off. The only light now is from the glowing magma, the awesome rivers of lava, the glint of the Super Space Slicer 9000 as it shone its own light as bright as day, as enchanted heroic swords are wont to do.
The earth shook and Todd spun round to see the mighty Wanda grappling and fighting and falling with none other than Dr. Strangesnork himself. They rolled and tumbled across valleys of fire and up over the mountains, smashing each peak as they tossed each other across The World. Todd steadied himself as the shattered pieces of mountaintop began to rain down, igniting even more fires and making Todd wish he was properly hydrated. He wasn’t expecting to be out this long. He wasn’t even supposed to be there today.
Wanda, Strangesnork, and he himself, Todd, he thought, might just be the only beings left alive. No sooner had Todd thought this thought when he heard a great splishing and splashing coming from behind him, in the direction he had been facing before he spun round to witness Wanda and the evil doctor. Todd spun round again, coming full circle since picking himself up from the bloody mud he was now standing in with once-waterproof boots.
And what Todd saw, out there where the ocean had been most frothed and disturbed by the grappling gods, was the rising and dripping visage of a figure he hadn’t seen in a long, long time, except for the occasional rerun. It was none other than The Great Snork Nork. The rocking of the ocean had evidently been enough for him to be able to fling loose his chains and be free once more. Whoever was in charge of guarding him must be long dead, thought Todd as he found himself generally annoyed at having to face The Great Snork Nork, the most powerful and most evil being in The Universe, especially since he was now quite thirsty and really didn’t feel like fighting.
The Great Snork Nork was the most fearsome of dastardly villains to have ever lived, and it was this fearsomeness and dastardliness that had resulted in him being bound in magical fetters to a rock at the bottom of the ocean. He had been chained there by his nemesis, Allstar Seaworthy, as punishment for trying to make all the ocean dark forever in Season 3, Episode 9 (“It’s Always Darkest Before the Snork”). He was defeated, of course, once Allstar Seaworthy discovered that The Great Snork Nork was, in fact, a vampire, and could be defeated with mere sunlight.
But there was no sunlight left, and Nork was free.
But then Todd swung round his Super Space Slicer 9000 sword and the light that came with it. The Great Snork Nork was ill-prepared for what was to come. The same could be said for me, Todd would later say, in retrospect.