Title: The Maze
Subtext: The Xartus impels, does not compel.
Author:
Date: 30 Apr 15 (Thursday in the AM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 7
Revisions: 10
Publicity: Workshop

Burning Cherries
Turning to ash
And trailing through time
Under the sky
Fo-fum to the fee-fi

Normans, Thetans,
Quit bumming the smoke
From in front of these eyes.
They can see fine.
Anyway I could see for miles

Inside of it all gone
With a fable’s end still to be ours,
Under signs
Shining out the stars,
Under you, glimpsing the design.

And even I could sort of see.
Those were the sweetest days,

When a token was a dollar and change
And anywhere you could want to go
Within the maze.

Revisions

Falcon » Authorship
Elk » 6:34 PM 30 Jun 15
Falcon » 12:20 PM 30 Apr 15
Falcon » 12:19 PM 30 Apr 15
Falcon » 12:18 PM 30 Apr 15
Falcon » 12:18 PM 30 Apr 15
Falcon » 12:15 PM 30 Apr 15
Elk » 11:14 AM 30 Apr 15
Elk » 11:13 AM 30 Apr 15

The Thread (7)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. Love it. One of my favorite lines anywhere, ever:

    Quit bumming the smoke
    From in front of these eyes.
    They can see fine.
    Anyway I could see for miles

    The whole piece makes me sentimental for the days of roaming cityscapes with a pocket of change and no place to be.

    I’m wondering about the punctuation. There are lines ending in periods and commas and sometimes nothing, all within the same stanza, sometimes across stanzas. I think this text coordinates with audio, so maybe the line breaks reference the audio? If so, I’m not sure that’s the best way to do it when the text stands alone. It’s a little distracting trying to sort over the punctuation, lines and stanzas. I’m craving it to flow more without all that jazz.

  2. Thanks @elk.

    Following a rule of punctuating as if it were prose, capitalizing every line and creating line breaks and stanzas independent of musical setting. I see where I hadn’t done that here.
    Thanks for making me look again.

    Better now in terms of pucuation?

    In regards to musical setting, good call as well. That influenced the improper stanza break before “when a token (…)”.

    I’ve tried to delete that break. Can @rooster help me do that?

  3. Still not sure about the commas.

  4. Yeah – I still don’t get the punctuation, other than to take each one independently of any other element (line/stanza breaks included), and to just read the punctuation like a behavior (mostly a duration and intensity of pause) instead of as substantive elements that add to meaning, or even carry independent meaning.

  5. So leave the periods that denote sentences, but remove commas at the end of lines?

  6. Actually, I think the periods are more a thing than the commas. I can’t tell if sentences end at the end of line breaks, stanza breaks, or periods, or all of those, or some combination of them.

  7. Where there is no punctuation I assume the intention is for there to be no break in the flow, the way it’s actually read, even if it crosses from one stanza to the next. I suppose the lack of punctuation between stanzas would suggest then what Elk calls a meaning in and of itself — meaning in the reason for the break just there in the sentence and the absence of a marker.

    It’s however you intend, really. It does jump out as being unconventional and the sentences as they are would be difficult as prose, but hey, life ain’t always easy.

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