Title: The Dematerialized Zone
Subtext: Spy hunter.
Author:
Date: 14 Oct 14 (Tuesday in the PM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 49
Revisions: 33
Publicity: Superfeed
Visual: View
Downfeed:

From the captured scene to the cathode beam, waves of dreams break, when by the light of the streaming flutter, twisted through vivid felicity, and overwhelmed by the radiant nullity of a gainful oblivion, half a piece of navy camo pizza pops. Blobs of blue mozzarel and black marinara are the static ripples of the night before, plain against the tranquility of predawn on the kick drum-cum-coffee table’s batterhead pond.

A creak in the hall – the brightness dialed back to 2 – a clang in the pipe: the heat: it’s late – a cat hiss – the slice to go – a window: escape.

Revisions

Falcon » Authorship
Falcon » 5:25 PM 02 Aug 17
Falcon » 9:00 PM 10 Nov 15
Elk » 8:34 AM 08 Nov 15
Elk » 9:18 PM 22 Oct 15
Elk » 9:41 PM 03 Jul 15
Elk » 10:06 PM 15 May 15
Elk » 7:42 AM 30 Apr 15
Elk » 11:51 AM 27 Mar 15
Elk » 11:51 AM 27 Mar 15
Elk » 11:51 AM 27 Mar 15
Elk » 10:45 AM 30 Jan 15
Elk » 10:37 PM 29 Jan 15
Elk » 7:42 AM 12 Nov 14
Elk » 7:42 AM 12 Nov 14
Elk » 11:30 PM 02 Nov 14
Falcon » 9:51 AM 15 Oct 14
Falcon » 9:18 AM 15 Oct 14
Falcon » 10:18 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 9:56 PM 14 Oct 14
Elk » 9:19 PM 14 Oct 14
Elk » 9:14 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 9:04 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 9:03 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:54 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:52 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:52 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:51 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:50 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:50 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:49 PM 14 Oct 14
Falcon » 8:49 PM 14 Oct 14

The Thread (49)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. Reminiscent of an early Rooster Land piece – Ramshackle.

  2. I’m sensing something sinister here – blue blobs of cheese and sable sauce are signs of the end of times, I do believe.

    I like the last line – with all of the stuttering dashes and leading colons. Should exit be escape?

  3. So totally the city, too. Distant trucks and horns. This is one seriously urban falcon.

  4. Sable, funny. I had Hawthorne in my head this morning briefly when I was reciting that bit on 9th Ave. between one train and another. “Exit” could go, yeah. “Escape” may imply having been captured or cornered though?

  5. Captured and cornered in rote by a matrix coming undone, I thought.

  6. Possibly – eventually.

  7. The sable form, the traveler with the twisted staff. I read a great article on Goodman Brown about the idea of spectral evidence, evidence from visions or dreams used in the witch trials. The writer (insert citation) contends that Goodman Brown’s conclusions drawn from his nightmare journey are from spectral evidence, that nothing in the story is happening, but only seems like it is – which Hawthorne ensures through a healthy dose of ambiguity.

    Not sure about exit/escape. Maybe both?

    – a window: an exit: an escape.

    Escape might make us think the narrator is captured, though with such a figurative piece, maybe not.

  8. Agree with Elk about something coming undone. An unraveling of sorts.

  9. I caught the “broke on the screen” to “break” change, which corrects the flow of that first line with a slight break – no pun intended – accentuating the second half instead melding it all into a stream of rhyme.

  10. Cool, yeah. I was controlling the beat by my walking pace in a way that didn’t translate well to the page. Cutting the last rhyme made it less slammy.

  11. I read loneliness and the curated disarray of a detached life. Agreed that blue blobs of cheese are oft-associated with the apocalypse.

    I also like the de-slammy change. Controlling the beat while walking reminds me of my favorite insurance executive Wallace Stevens. Legend has it you can make out some of his unorthodox line breaks by the various curb cuts and obstacles between his house and his office.

    Not settled yet on the exit v. escape v. egress, though I’m leaning towards egress. Exit and escape perhaps have unintended connotations. They add motion whereas egress is a more passive condition and one not normally attributed to a window.

  12. You had me at cathode beam.

    Actually, I pretty much knew exactly where I was, where you wanted me to be, with that phrase.

    I can totally see the apocolypse as negative.

  13. As a negative – like exposed unprocessed film.

  14. Both, hence the ambiguity.

  15. Rabbit’s “apocalypse” vs. Horse’s “apocolypse.”

    Exactly why I went with the phrase “end of times.” Sometimes you just don’t feel like going through the effort.

    Side note: do we really need five vowels? Seems excessive. One should suffice, trimming the alphabet down to 22. Maybe get rid of C, too, for an even 21. That’s an idea Rooster should appreciate.

  16. What about numbers? I can’t even keep track of how many there are anymore.

    We should only allow whole numbers up to 100, and then maybe pi since that seems oh so important these days. I’m open to certain irrational numbers too I suppose, just to bother the teenagers.

  17. I stopped counting a long time ago.

  18. How did a mistype get by the Rooster?

    Numbers and letters. What’s a mind like without them?

  19. Blank and happy.

  20. Blissfully unaware of owing years of back taxes and with a warrant out for your arrest.

  21. But still a materialized zone.

  22. Numbers may actually be the dematerialized zone — hence thoughts on a kind of matrix above. The piece gave a feeling like things were disintegrating into metaphysical manifestations, like equations.

  23. An interesting take. I would argue that language is dematerialized and abstract while numbers are material and concrete. Quality vs. quantity. Which is easier to grasp?

  24. Look at the sable — pixelating into greyness, decomposing, sucked into the math.

  25. That cat’s been eating black and blue pizza.

  26. The color of its tongue is the color I want everything in the universe to be.

  27. A light azure, I would call it.

  28. I would say aqua if I couldn’t say teal.

  29. It matters what it’s called. I could sit in a brown room painted “Leatherbound Book,” but not “Cocoa Puff Milk.”

    Okay – maybe I could.

  30. The paint companies have got your number – I’m currently considering everything from “Daydream” to “Pediment.”

  31. Found a typo in the midst of this piece this many months later. It read “mozzerel” instead of “mozzarella”. Goes to show – the piece is so captivating that you could just jump right over that, or even believe it was meant to be.

  32. For whatever reason, I assumed Falcon knew something about cheese that I don’t. Or maybe it’s just shorthand for mozzarella?

    I was rereading the first line – it seems to twist around just enough that I’m not sure about it. Would it make more sense (grammatically) without the word “by”? Should there be a comma after “beam” for clarity?

    Present tense throughout?

    From:

    “…twisted through vivid felicity and overwhelmed by the radiant nullity of a gainful oblivion…”

    To:

    “…twists through vivid felicity and overwhelms the radiant nullity of a gainful oblivion…”

  33. The first sentence actually makes sense grammatically, I think. Drop mental commas after “beam”, “when”, “flutter”, and “oblivion” to get the key into the lock.

  34. “From the captured scene to the cathode beam, waves of dreams break when, by the light of the streaming flutter, twisted through vivid felicity and overwhelmed by the radiant nullity of a gainful oblivion, half a piece of navy camo pizza pops.”

    “…waves of dreams break when…pizza pops.”

    Okay. I couldn’t find the verb. Pops. Thought we were talking about some unknown item called pizza pops. Idiocy abounds in the land of unasked questions. Got it.

    It’s a labyrinth for readers. Commas out of courtesy?

  35. I leave it to @falcon. I prefer it naked — no commas makes it the lyrical weave that it is. Commas make it a piece of writing.

  36. I prefer it without as well, but I’m thinking of readers.

  37. I hear that — but I think they’ll have to put their space glasses on and deal.

  38. It actually reads nicely with the commas. I don’t think some road signs would hurt. That’s my two cents.

  39. Awesome. Thanks for diving in with the fine tooth. I’m a “when in doubt leave it out” kind of bird. And I did consider putting a comma between doubt and leave. Should it go? “Mozzarel” is guinea for “mozarella.” Putting it in a place with the narrator’s ticks. But not incredibly attached to that. Maybe “mozzarel’ ?”

  40. By the guinea slur I mean one of us fowl from NYC/NJ by way of the Boot.

  41. I’m switching it back to “mozzarel” – too good. Also, is your use of “guinea” capitalized?

  42. I’m a punctuation moderate but I like the first sentence without specifically because its grammar challenges at just the right intensity. It’s not difficult for difficulty’s sake; it furthers the twisting fuzzy landscape.

  43. With you guys there. Just thinking of the reader. This coming from the guy who intentionally wrote a difficult novel. Might go back and snatch some commas from that, too.

  44. It’s a good question and a good conversation to continue through various posts. Grammar, syntax, structure and the like are nice launching points for inquiry.

  45. I’m really amazed that after all these years and all of what’s behind us that we can still justify — and rightly so — dialogue about so fine a point. Somehow even more meaningful as the years add up. It’s like the issue becomes more granular and more concentrated at the same time.

  46. The real question, after all these months, is whether this piece should be categorized as verse or vignette. In fact, I’m pretty sure the blurred line is what makes this one so great.

  47. Love the way this works. After many months, finally and spontaneously capitulated on all those commas the night before the superfeed goes into effect.

  48. I am pleased, forevermore.

  49. I think I like the commas — perhaps they’ve stood a small test of time.

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