Title: Rules of the Game
Subtext: Before you call him a man.
Date: 07 Oct 15 (Wednesday in the PM)
Time: 2 minutes
Replies: 10
Revisions: 1
Publicity: Superfeed

The following type-written text was found on a single page, torn along its left side, wedged between the exceedingly distasteful pages of some real-deal hardcore pornography magazine.

Sec. 42.00

Now that the purpose of the game has been established, players assigned, and place and time determined and understood by all, including, without limitation, spectators and judges, if any, we may next turn to the ball.

42.01 The ball may be of any shape or size as acceptable to the dominant player or players. Dominance may be established by quantity, quality, both quantity and quality, or by some other measure altogether. For more on dominance and its establishment, consult the enclosed Treatise On Fun and Games At High Altitude, Real Or Imagined, author(s) unknown.

42.02 If the dominant player or players fails to establish a ball suitable for play, any old baseball- or tennis ball-sized ball shall do just fine.

42.03 Whichever player is holding the ball at any point in time shall only do so with the utmost courage, determination, and skill. Any player not expressly displaying a believable interpretation of these attributes on his or her face at any time while holding the ball shall be immediately stripped of the ball and banished from the location for a reasonable period of time, as determined by context, including, without limitation, upbringing, social status, willingness to learn and adapt, and the general attitudes of the remaining players towards concepts of retribution, rehabilitation, and the place of utilitarian philosophy in social institutions.

42.04 Compassion is a virtue and shall be wielded with wisdom, especially by whoever has the ball.

42.04(A) Patience too is a virtue, but most everyone knows that already. For more on patience and its role in domination, see the above-referenced and enclosed Treatise.

42.05 If the ball does not fit in your hand, try using two hands. If it does not fit in two hands, or if using two hands is otherwise impracticable, try visualizing how you would hold the ball were you to have three hands.

42.05(A) Don’t foreclose the possibility that you may well be allowed to use other body parts, such as your feet.

42.05(B) Also consider using the hands or feet of others, who may well do your bidding given the right incentives. Incentives, mind you, are not limited to those engendered by force, although that’s what people always seem to think of first. That and money.

42.06 Money is an essential element in the ball, for it is always present even by its prescribed exclusion.

42.06(A) To have a ball that is truly independent from the concept of money you must first win the game, at which point the ball ceases to exist as a ball.

42.07 The only way to win the game is with a ball that has neither existed nor ceased to exist, that has no direct or indirect causal relationship with the game or any of the game’s actions or inactions.

42.08 The ball shall be true.

42.09 [Omitted]

42.10 The minds of all players, however dominant, are infected by some sort of fear relating to or arising from the ball. For some the fear may be a conscious one made manifest as part of the game, while for others it is subconscious, though still manifest. Manifestations of fear shall be accommodated on a case by case basis. Players shall bear in mind that the ball is an inescapable delight that deserves focus without expectation of reward. For more on expectations of reward during existential crises during gameplay, consult the above-referenced and enclosed Treatise.

Next: Sec. 43.00, Goals, Non-Goals, and Everything Between.


Rabbit » Authorship
Rabbit » 12:40 PM 07 Oct 15

The Thread (10)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. Capitalism’s the name of the game. Magazine and the only known copy of these rules, owned by its victor both.

  2. It’ll never be out of fashion to put a dis on the hegemonic economy.

  3. That led me to the Michael Richards video – and the apology on Letterman. Sort of ruined my night.

  4. This piece was touched by a bolt of lawyerly grace.

  5. Could’ve been worse. My first impulse for 42.09 was “Intentionally Deleted.”

    Perhaps I should’ve thrown in a “The remainder of this page left intentionally blank” at the end.

  6. I love each and every little statement of distrust in the lawyer’s handbag.

  7. Falcon’s lullaby once again takes this over the top.

  8. Not over the top so much as creating a new top. A toppier top, higher than the toppest top that I imagined this piece to have.

  9. If I ever win the lottery, my first expenditure will be to hire you all as writers for Falcon’s radio show, which promptly thereafter will be broadcasted intergalactically and archived on solid gold records.

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