I was surprised to see a toothbrush for two grand. It was there in the ocean of others with their angled heads and ergonomic plastic handles and blue indicator bristles, but was locked away behind what appeared to be bulletproof plastic. Don’t do it. Don’t get jazzed.
They were playing the theme song to Magnum P.I.
Bwantchachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachicca, bwantchachiccachiccachiccachicca bwant bwant bwant bwant brant!
The clerk sauntered over like a gameshow host. Name’s Eddie, he goes, but my friends call me Tad.
Just looking for a toothbrush, I say.
Have you seen the Excalibur? He unholstered his pricing gun and began discounting deodorant. Bwant!
Yeah. What’s the deal?
Deal is, if you want the best there is, you gotta try the Excalibur.
Seems a little much. I didn’t look at him, but examined what he called Excalibur. It looked like any other toothbrush, but it’s quality was undeniable. Like the Holy Grail.
Sure. Thought so too before I bought one.
Then he smiled, revealing a set of mother of pearl choppers unlike any I’d ever seen. After I started using the Excalibur, my whole life changed. Got a lady, found this killer job. Three bedroom apartment. Don’t underestimate what a good set of teeth can get you. Let me ask you something – is your life fulfilling?
The keys on his phone cord lanyard flashed like stars. Chachicchiccachicca. No.
I began fingering my wallet in my pocket. There were at least forty credit cards. It could work. Nooo!
Do you have any literature I could peruse?
Sure thing, goes Tad. I’ll be right back. Stay right there! Dun duh, duuuuuuh! Dun duh duh duh duh, DUN DUH DUH!
As soon as his back was turned, I ran like hell.