Title: Don’t Sell Your Soul for a Set of Pearly Choppers
Subtext: Run like hell.
Author:
Date: 08 Apr 17 (Saturday in the AM)
Copyright:
Collections:
Time: 1 minute
Replies: 2
Revisions: 7
Publicity: Workshop
Downfeed:

I was surprised to see a toothbrush for two grand. It was there in the ocean of others with their angled heads and ergonomic plastic handles and blue indicator bristles, but was locked away behind what appeared to be bulletproof plastic. Don’t do it. Don’t get jazzed.

They were playing the theme song to Magnum P.I.

Bwantchachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachiccachicca, bwantchachiccachiccachiccachicca bwant bwant bwant bwant brant!

The clerk sauntered over like a gameshow host. Name’s Eddie, he goes, but my friends call me Tad.

Just looking for a toothbrush, I say.

Have you seen the Excalibur? He unholstered his pricing gun and began discounting deodorant. Bwant!

Yeah. What’s the deal?

Deal is, if you want the best there is, you gotta try the Excalibur.

Seems a little much. I didn’t look at him, but examined what he called Excalibur. It looked like any other toothbrush, but it’s quality was undeniable. Like the Holy Grail.

Sure. Thought so too before I bought one.

Then he smiled, revealing a set of mother of pearl choppers unlike any I’d ever seen. After I started using the Excalibur, my whole life changed. Got a lady, found this killer job. Three bedroom apartment. Don’t underestimate what a good set of teeth can get you. Let me ask you something – is your life fulfilling?

The keys on his phone cord lanyard flashed like stars. Chachicchiccachicca. No.

I began fingering my wallet in my pocket. There were at least forty credit cards. It could work. Nooo!

Do you have any literature I could peruse?

Sure thing, goes Tad. I’ll be right back. Stay right there! Dun duh, duuuuuuh! Dun duh duh duh duh, DUN DUH DUH!

As soon as his back was turned, I ran like hell.

Revisions

Bear » Authorship
Bear » 2:10 PM 08 Apr 17
Bear » 2:09 PM 08 Apr 17
Bear » 11:49 AM 08 Apr 17
Bear » 9:05 AM 08 Apr 17
Bear » 8:29 AM 08 Apr 17
Bear » 8:27 AM 08 Apr 17

The Thread (2)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. The old Rooster Land game of phoneticizing the instrumentals — keeping it real with MPI, nice choice.

    Decent execution here, as well, given the challenge of fitting into an ever-specifying genre of toothbrush/capitalism pieces.

    Should it be “the Excalibur” when the protagonist examines it?

    Possibly it should be The Excalibur throughout.

    I like the various details that make Eddie Eddie — gameshow host, unholstering, apartment-bound, star-like flash of keys on a lanyard.

  2. Thought it funnily flawed to have the Excalibur mentioned as Excalibur. Makes it more mythological without the article somehow.

    Bee Gees is still one of my favorites on RL.

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