Title: Clean Gun & A Pot Roast Dinner
Subtext: Case closed.
Author:
Date: 02 Mar 15 (Monday in the PM)
Copyright:
Time: 1 minute
Replies: 10
Revisions: 11
Publicity: Superfeed

It was quarter to six on a Friday when she came strolling back into my office. I was cleaning my gun and thinking about the pot roast dinner at Georgia’s, when who was standing at the door but my blonde dynamo with the finest legs in L.A. and nipples that could cut glass.

“Weren’t you doing that the last time I was here?” she asked, sauntering over to my desk like she owned the joint. Neon light from the dive across the street cut through the evening smog, reflecting off her glittering stilettos. She picked up a stray bullet and held it to her scarlet mouth like a tube of lipstick.

“Maybe,” I said back. “I like a clean gun. Clean gun, easy mind, I always say.”

“Well, by all means, finish. I certainly want you to have a clear head.”

“Maybe you want to finish for me.”

She leaned over the desk and smiled. I could see halfway to China down her blouse. And she knew it.

“I didn’t come here to play games, Mr. McCroon. I came to find out about my husband.”

“Well, the wait is over. I found him. I found your husband, the millionaire, Harrington Sweetwater.”

She gasped a little, dropping the bullet and putting her hand over her mouth. “Yes? And? Was he with – another woman?”

I reached into the bottom drawer of my desk and pulled out a hard-boiled egg. I cracked it on the surface of the desk, rolled it around and broke the shell off in one whole piece. Then I took a big bite and reached back in the drawer for the raven-haired wig I’d recovered from the mansion only a few hours earlier. I threw it onto the desk, where it flopped lifelessly.

“I found your husband alright, Mrs. Sweetwater,” I said, holding half the egg. “He was with Senator Barry. And I’m sorry to tell you, toots, but your husband – he’s the other woman.”

Revisions

Bear » Authorship
Elk » 3:18 PM 25 Dec 15
Bear » 10:55 AM 03 Mar 15
Bear » 10:49 AM 03 Mar 15
Bear » 9:23 AM 03 Mar 15
Bear » 7:15 AM 03 Mar 15
Bear » 11:15 PM 02 Mar 15
Bear » 11:14 PM 02 Mar 15
Bear » 11:13 PM 02 Mar 15

The Thread (10)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. Well done on the caricature, all around, start to finish. Lots of good visuals came down the pike.

    I might narrate the “millionaire” bit. Felt a little contrived in dialogue. But I wonder, is more contrivance better here?

    Also, maybe make the twist punchier and swap “he is” for “he’s”.

    I manually added “and” to the URL. Definitely use ampersands in the title, but then you have to add the “and” to the URL because ampersands can’t appear in URLs, so they just get excised automatically.

    Also on title, maybe capitalize the “a” — it’s the only lowercase, it follows the ampersand, and I think the dinner deserves it.

    Damned if I can’t peel me an egg in one go — try as I might every time. I learned the rolling technique only two years back, and it’s gotten me closer.

  2. Some good thoughts. I played around with the articles in the title a little at first – A Clean Gun & A Pot Roast Dinner, A Clean Gun & Pot Roast Dinner, Clean Gun & Pot Roast Dinner. For some reason I landed on the current version and went to bed.

    I was going for contrived with that dialogue. Thought it more gave it the piece that pulp feel.

  3. Great pulp intro giving way to the wacky egg and wig show. Maybe throw in something about the lighting or some other cliché trappings for the set up? At the risk of angering The Rooster I’d love to see this one just a touch longer, even if by a sentence or two.

  4. Thought of that too, afterward. There’s no obligatory mention of the lighting.

    You want to write one up?

  5. The neon light from the dive bar across the street reflecting off the freshly polished mahogany veneer?

  6. Weird – I was posting as an add-on, didn’t see your request.

    Yeah, I’m not familiar enough with what’s obligatory. I just enjoyed the set up.

  7. Very interesting.

    With this genre, it’s absolutely obligatory. Wasn’t mocking the suggestion. Threw it in there with a couple of modifications.

    Changed the Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Swetzers to the Mr. and Mrs. Harrington Sweetwaters. Seems more fitting.

  8. Good changes, and the least mentioned yet is one of the best – “glittering stilettos”.

  9. Nice.

    I can’t decide if the narrator’s voice is that of Humphrey Bogart or Frank Drebin.

  10. I had Mr. Bookman in mind.

New Reply


Rooster Land
Verses & Vignettes &c.

Encapsulation

It has been 1936 days since Rooster Land congealed online.

Nota Bene

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection." – Anaïs Nin