Title: Choice
Subtext: Terra infirma.
Author:
Date: 09 Sep 16 (Friday in the AM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 8
Revisions: 8
Publicity: Workshop
Upfeed:
Downfeed:

Cal climbed too high into a lazy looking tree. It wasn’t an aspen, but it did that thing with its leaves.

His parents were the type no one could seem to know anything about, not even Cal himself. They were all but absentee — in and out, short on resource, and selfish I think. I was jealous of his freedom before I knew enough to pity him.

He called down, “Would you rather explore any part and depth of the Pacific in a submersible, or spacewalk one orbit of the Earth in an EMU?”

Revisions

Elk » November 2, 2016 @ 05:46:46 [Current Revision]
Elk » November 2, 2016 @ 05:46:46
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 13:15:16
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 08:47:56
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 08:47:02
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 08:44:26
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 08:40:55
Elk » September 9, 2016 @ 08:34:42

The Thread (8)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. I sometimes like to start with a thought, publish it, and then let things grow off and around it in my mind while I document that development process in the revisions. This ditty is an example of that.

    Maybe you’ll enjoy peering into thought. And maybe it’ll provide insight into how things happen in the mind on a substantive level, and not just an editorial level, which is generally how revisions get used, i.e. tweaking after a piece is already fledged.

  2. I’m getting a little Gatsby out of it so far – the main character as object of observation, his sort of impenetrable personality by way of his parents. And a little Wes Anderson from the quirky dialogue and childlike whim of climbing a tree.

    Also some nice botanical thoughts in there. Like an aspen but not. I wonder what it could be.

  3. Good eye — I’ll take it. Guess anyone can write like anything in six sentences or less, even me.

  4. It feels like an abrupt turn between the second and third paragraph. Maybe try smoothing that out? Perhaps the narrator could look up at Cal before Cal calls out?

    (Suggestion: I watched him climb toward the top branches, seemingly too thin, bending under his weight. He looked like he was trying to climb right out of the tree.)

  5. I agree — you’ll note in the revisions that the 2nd paragraph came last. Things originally flowed from 1st to 3rd. Will mull.

  6. I’m surprised at how much I like the original. I’m a proponent of revision, but I’m surprised.

  7. I liked it too, but it lacked emotion, depth and context. It was a nice little picture, but only a still frame. The new version tries to make a talkie out of it.

  8. I gave it a tropical minute, but no one answered the question — no one made the choice — submersible or EMU, Pacific or orbit?

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