Title: Two-Eighteen Through Twenty-One
Subtext: And four-eighteen.
Author:
Date: 01 Oct 16 (Saturday in the AM)
Copyright:
Time: Less than a minute
Replies: 5
Revisions: 5
Publicity: Superfeed

On the East River
With hichiriki, koto
And bass clarinet

The creaking barge blends
Tokyo with far sirens
From the FDR

Now weaves tunnel-bound
Stuttered traffic down Canal
Wipers keep the beat

Almost there at Sixth
But tempted and bang a right
Bagels on the Square

Revisions

Falcon » Authorship
Falcon » 11:14 AM 07 Dec 16
Falcon » 9:39 AM 01 Oct 16
Elk » 7:50 AM 01 Oct 16
Elk » 7:48 AM 01 Oct 16

The Thread (5)

 Author's voice in grey. 

  1. I helped get these posted on behalf of Falcon and originally ordered them wrong (see the initial revision), but I saw in doing that that they can be reordered any which way to slightly different effect – which is itself a cool effect, if not the ultimate effect coming out of this piece for me.

  2. Ah, interesting. It’s ordered wrong now, too. Should end with bagels.

  3. Fixed, and thanks as always, @elk.

  4. Totally aural. Love it. The phrase “creaking barge” doesn’t tell me if you could hear the creaking or if the creaking was implied by the image, and it doesn’t matter either way because I like having the question. Creaking also seems to mean to show weakness under strain, which is a visual quality a creaking barge might have. It’s all music.

    I also like the sharp shift from past to present in “tempted and bang a right” which sort of effectively moves me from passive reader to actor – a first person point of view. I can feel it. I’m doing it now.

  5. Echoing that creaking barge bit.

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